Soldier's nightmares...

It made quite some times

quite some times since I had any nightmares

My nightmares involve the same things

the people I love

There are those nightmares where I fight with someone of my family

Fight to the verge or insanity

I wake up from them with guiltiness and anger...

...

But in a way it's been so long , so many years that am a lil bit used to them.

Then...

....

I got those other nightmares, and to me they are the worsts ones, the ones I D rather not be able to make any dreams at night anymore cause they shake me so bad...

I just got one some minutes ago.

I went to war almost a year ago....

For one person, for two if I include myself ...

I lost that war.

The last thing I need is to dream of that person , it just wakes up the pain , each scars burn again as if it was yesterday , and am on the verge of insanity , my chest is about to explode , and unfotunately I am not able to cry as easily as i was before , so to feel released is impossible.

In that war I need all my strenghts , those FUCKING dreams, NIGHTMARES...

They got to stop ...

This is war,

Yes ... it is !

Soldier's day

Today am 24 years old

Today am gone from my house since almost 1 year

Today is as every birthday a pretty lonely one

Today I cry...

Why ?

Two many reasons for me to remember why I cry

24

I miss my family

I miss my friends 

I miss so many things...

But going back there would mean going back to some time in my life I ain't ready to go back to ....

I miss New york

I miss the only love Life offered me once in my life

Yesterday I heard that the horoscope of the scorpios said that from now on it would be all Hapiness...

May it be true .

This is war, 

Yes it is !

Darkness...Light?

Tonight ...
Well this morning after a sleepless night I have pray
It's been real long since I prayed like that
With my whole being
totally believing

I prayed that in the immensity of darkness that my life has always been
I could once again find A light
And not those little lights that we all find in everyday life
the real light
The one that once opened my eyes
This light that I miss so much everyday
cause when god gave me that kind of light
...
I have let my own darkness take it away
I gave up on it
And am still paying the price for it

I am no psychic
I can't tell the future
and that is a good thing
But this morning
just after i prayed
I had a little light comming up on the battlefield
though it was one of those little light of everyday life
this one was supposed to be darkness
...
Thank you god !

This is war
Yes it is!

The only soldier in my war

The only soldier in my war ... is me

I wish I could find other soldiers to fight by my side

even though they d fight to win their own war

But I reject people 

I reject that society every time

There is things I can't accept anymore

Things I might never be able to accept my whole life

But little by little Amma try to open up myself

To do Things that other do in general

But with moderation

cause those things could destroy me too

But i should not stop to fight

Never

I got to Fight 

Alone 

or with brother in arms...

Cause this is war

Yes this is war !

Exhaustion

Today I was supposed to train

to train my body soul and mind

but my body soul and mind were just

Exhausted...

I work tonight 

SO I decided Today I would rest before work

and see tomorrow

I do feel guilty

but am more exhausted than guilty

that is for sure

let's rest

FOr that war I need energy

that I dont have today

every soldier need  some rest

right ?

today is confusing for no reason...

well see tomorrow