Weapons...

In all the fights I have fought during my life,

I used plenty of differents weapons.

Destructive ones , dangerous ones , but most of them were double edged blades , when I was achieving something , I was cutting myself in the way .

Those weapons...

On the moment I can only think of some of them.

Lies, hatred, regrets, sadness, anger, despair...

List non exhaustiv.

I earned things with those, good things , sometimes even the best if I may say...

And lost them as fast as they had come ... even the best if I may say.

It leads me nowhere, just to more mess and less peace in my life and about myself.

All those bad energies I used ... led me to those bad energies again and again... going in circles.

On... and on.

So amma try something else... a new weapon.

Less destructive , if it works maybe  it'll take more time to be as effective as the others were , but maybe just maybe , I won't get cut in the way.

Maybe just maybe I won't lose the things I earned , at least not that easily .

I used all those negativ energies before and that led me only to negativity.

Let's try to be more positiv in everything I do , We'll see where that leads.

Yes this is WAR!

Monster of mine

Every morning when i wake up on the battlefield

I see him , that monster , hairy , tall , white skinned , missing hair on his head , pretty weird looking to me.
He scares me, cause he reminds me of me , cause he is me .


BUT AT THE SAME TIME.
He always been here , he wakes up with me, go to bed with me, listen to me even when i don't speak and he understands me, he might be the only thing i could ever take for granted.

So am learning to love him...
That monster of mine.
There is still work, but am on a better way than I was , that is for sure .

Fake rest

Am resting
This week I been realizing I have been doing things things wrong
Using my sadness and anger led me to MESSINESS
And i need calm and order to win that war
So am resting yes , but am more than that learning to do things right...
To take my time , to not rush , TO BE ON TIME ... and to do things right.
I got until next monday to take a convenient sleep rythm... i will get that rythm .
To do things calmly , to not panic , to not overthink , to be smart.
SO am enjoying the time of rest but i am at the sam etime getting ready ...
For war .

Yup, this is WAR !

War needs calm and order...

Been dealing with sleep problems lately...
Result , I go to sleep at Crazy hours , and get up at insane hours , just the time for me to make myself something to eat and to go to work .

...
Surely won't be like that that things will change in this war .

"Apply the change you want to see in your life to yourself"
Calm and order , If everything is so messy it is my fault too , even highly my fault .

Take the time to do things i got to do , do them before anything else , and the rest of the time I'll dedicate it to myself .

Low rank soldier I am , But If I learned to become one , I can UPGRADE MYSELF .
Indeed I can , with calm and order .

I received a letter from my sister .
"Take care of your body if you want your soul to live in it "

Yup , This is WAR !

Soldier

In this war called life
I've been for real long a victim,
Dodging the bullets i could,
taking the majority of them in the center of my heart,
suffering under the explosions of bomb,
crying at night cause of the pain,
staying numb and too afraid to do anything in that life
In that life called war...
I ve been a civil ...
I don't know how exactly I survived all that time
actually I do !
I am smart, I think I always been , though people think am a brainless brute I am smart .

No school smart , school was prison to me , street smart , streets teached me everything I know ...
Today the good ... Before the bad .

When i wasn't a soldier yet , when i didn't have the strenght i have today , I used my brain , I lied , I stole , I betrayed , I cheated , I did all that in order to survive...
But the day that life offered me a moment of peace...a fragile place where I could rest  I thought that I would keep it that way .
As adam and eve lost paradise, I lost mine , By my own fault , by lying to myself , by not having built myself strong enough to fight honestly for my paradise ...

I refused it , that's when I became a soldier , when I choosed to not be a victim of that war anymore to retrieve my paradise by hard work and honesty , And i never gave up , until the day that paradise told me . NO! MY DOORS ARENT OPEN TO YOU ANYMORE!

Then I thought war ended , as I said , I was in that area , no more bullets in my guns , no more grenades on my belt , Losing my blood , but crawling on the ground with only strenght the promise I made to myself , To never give up...

With that promise I became a soldier .

So no I ain't no first rank soldier yet , I still take majority of the bullets , right in the center of my heart, I still get burn by the bombs that get dropped in that war , But i don't need to lie to myself , neither to others , don't need to cheat , play , and betraye ,to survive , I survive with my one self , I survive with and for my ideals, I don't stay numb as long as I used to, and as long as God wants me alive , I'll need to get up and fight , If I get up , if I fight , It's not over , I might be still a Low rank soldier , risible to the eyes of people , but I need to learn to respect their point of view , cause they live their own war too , and still not let their bombs touch me , easier to say than to do , but am learning.

Still revenge, but anger and hatred won't help , Let's try to be smart , It's been my first weapon , Double edged weapon actually , let's use it and not cut myself this time .

To never give up.
To always get up though I fall on the battlefield in pain .
To hear but not always to listen.
To never give up.

One day , Revenge.
This is ... war.
I lost a battle , I'll win that war .
Cause am a soldier , nope , The soldier in that war .
My war , my life .

Waking up

Waking up on the battlefield
Haven't slept that bad, neither that good .
A new week of fighting has begun , but I am not that strong in this beginning .
Thousands of questions that do not have any answers , and am bleeding from recent fightings .

Still got to fight for tomorrow though , can't be lazy even though I D LOVE TO ...
But that would just make them right , those ones , the ones that think am crazy , that am a mess , the other soldiers , fighting their own wars , in the eyes of other you are never good , and it's easier to not care about the rest when you cross their path in the streets , but when you live with them...

To be a good soldier , you'll never be good enough in the eyes of others , cause they live their own war , still , I would lie if I said it doesn't affect me.

But maybe it is them that are not good enough in my eyes...

Streets

Tonight alone in the streets
Coming back from some stranger house
I felt a little at ease
A lil bit like if it was my own house
They been raising me , teaching me all that i know
They saw me crying , laughing and so much more
I slept outside way much more than once
when i was running from my family
they were there to welcome me
Paris
Amsterdam
london
New york
Fes
and tonight is the first night that i can say i took a taste of Montreal's street
For the first time i feel like they spoke to me
or maybe I couldn't hear them before
Does the sound of the bombs dropped in the last war made me deaf ?
I did felt a little at home
Those streets
Hard rocks streets
i spent my life in them
I never felt as free as when i was walking down these streets without nowhere to go
To fall asleep in a bus
waking up some hours later in a bus depot
Being in the middle of nowhere looking at the highway from a bridge
I still remember that feeling
That was war already
I just was a victim of it i wasnt part of it
I wasnt a soldier...
The soldier is hurt , is doubting , but he got to fight for tomorrow , today is sad and heavy , maybe he should fight differently , and speak more often to those streets...

And then... nothingness

I did...
I thought I found some fire to lighten up my soul.
But as soon as I have begin to fight for it...
That fire went away , and here i am alone in the dark immensity of the battlefield...
Its cold, so cold that i can't sleep , even though am exhausted , i just dont sleep .
Hoping , waiting, for a sign , for something , anything really...
Even death would be welcome actually .
But i know my time hasn't come , not yet .
I actually had a sign , a call , from an old friend , just brought me back memories . good memories . but that still hurts me....

Fire , you come and give me hope , then you leave me as soon as am fighting for you , are you playing with me ?
Fire...
Fire...