God...

In that life , there is plenty of believers
Believers of god
They call him, her, it :
Allah , Jesus , Buddah and plenty of other names

In that life, there is plenty of non believers
Saying that if god existed
they wouldn't be suffering that much
That science can explain it all
That there wouldn't be any wars
And plenty of other reasons

In that life of mine
I am not one of all those
Yes I do believe in something
And yes i call Him, her,it God cause
I wouldn't know how to call him, her, it differently


It has been a long relationship between both of us
I several times been angry or
been happy of having Him, Her, it by my side
...
And yes i do doubt of his, her, its existence when times are hard
But if I had to reminisce all those times
where I been lucky
Where I had someone to make it through
when exactly what I needed happened to save my life
...
I can only think oh Him, her, it
I don't see no other explanations
something, somebody has always been looking over me
somebody saved me
and made me stronger than I was

yes I did too
I saved my own life
and I made myself stronger
But not by myself...
With him, her, it by my side

so God ...
Thank you
May you continue to look over me
please.

Once upon a night...

I remember a night
Something like 1 or 2 am in NYC,
Back in the days when i was still able to cry,
When all i could do was crying,
I remember that night
In a stranger house
Crying all my heart out
crying like never,
I just couldnt stop crying
no matter what I would do ,
My tears wouldnt stop flowing,
My heart was just buring the hell out of me,
Cause I was alone
Well...

Not totally
I had someone to hold my hands
to reassure me
to tell me that everything would be alright
to comfort me
...

You only meet those few persons in life
that you know if anythings goes bad
there'll be right there standing besides you
he is one of them
he is family
....

I got family
though they are far
today i can tell I got family
Family that I love and that loves me
It's been a long way to get that
But I got it
Hoefully it'll grow stronger

Fight ?

I think i became an adult
I lost all kind of fantasies i could have
and though it does feel calmer
it feels empty

I have put aside that war
and honestly
i dont feel guilty for not fighting
i feel quite calm actually

the more the time pass by
the more am closing myself to the outside world
i dont even believe anymore in a saviour
and i havent been able to pray since weeks neither cause ...
that wouldnt be honest of me

I have no convictions no more
Some little goals that make me hold on everyday
Some memories that hurts me each and every day
music , food , and video games to help me get through the weeks

I save as much money as i can though it's hard
cause one of my goals is to get my hair back
For the look yes i wont lie
but more for proving to myself that things can change
even a lil bit
that i can get back for once what life took from me
Or maybe it was never mine
but that i dont think ill ever know it in that life

All i got is me
the love I built for myself
is what makes me hold on
I dont feel like fighting no more war
my whole life has been one already
and i never been the winner
Never...

So amma live
take care of myself
And may tomorrow hold surprises for me
Maybe surprises that could lemme dream again

This is not war
not today
neither tomorrow
This is me!
that's all it is , me .

What a soldier thinks...

War has never been an easy road.


Everybody fights his own so they think they know how to fight.
I do too.
I got my own way to fight.
But maybe a soldier shouldn't expose his skills so easily.

shouldn't give advices about how they should fight their owns
especially when he didn't win any major fights yet...

Better keep my advices to myself since am so drastic or too harsh for them.
yup!
cause I believe in my way as much as they believe in theirs.

Only time will tell.

This is war
yes it is.

Soldier's nightmares...

It made quite some times

quite some times since I had any nightmares

My nightmares involve the same things

the people I love

There are those nightmares where I fight with someone of my family

Fight to the verge or insanity

I wake up from them with guiltiness and anger...

...

But in a way it's been so long , so many years that am a lil bit used to them.

Then...

....

I got those other nightmares, and to me they are the worsts ones, the ones I D rather not be able to make any dreams at night anymore cause they shake me so bad...

I just got one some minutes ago.

I went to war almost a year ago....

For one person, for two if I include myself ...

I lost that war.

The last thing I need is to dream of that person , it just wakes up the pain , each scars burn again as if it was yesterday , and am on the verge of insanity , my chest is about to explode , and unfotunately I am not able to cry as easily as i was before , so to feel released is impossible.

In that war I need all my strenghts , those FUCKING dreams, NIGHTMARES...

They got to stop ...

This is war,

Yes ... it is !

Soldier's day

Today am 24 years old

Today am gone from my house since almost 1 year

Today is as every birthday a pretty lonely one

Today I cry...

Why ?

Two many reasons for me to remember why I cry

24

I miss my family

I miss my friends 

I miss so many things...

But going back there would mean going back to some time in my life I ain't ready to go back to ....

I miss New york

I miss the only love Life offered me once in my life

Yesterday I heard that the horoscope of the scorpios said that from now on it would be all Hapiness...

May it be true .

This is war, 

Yes it is !

Darkness...Light?

Tonight ...
Well this morning after a sleepless night I have pray
It's been real long since I prayed like that
With my whole being
totally believing

I prayed that in the immensity of darkness that my life has always been
I could once again find A light
And not those little lights that we all find in everyday life
the real light
The one that once opened my eyes
This light that I miss so much everyday
cause when god gave me that kind of light
...
I have let my own darkness take it away
I gave up on it
And am still paying the price for it

I am no psychic
I can't tell the future
and that is a good thing
But this morning
just after i prayed
I had a little light comming up on the battlefield
though it was one of those little light of everyday life
this one was supposed to be darkness
...
Thank you god !

This is war
Yes it is!

The only soldier in my war

The only soldier in my war ... is me

I wish I could find other soldiers to fight by my side

even though they d fight to win their own war

But I reject people 

I reject that society every time

There is things I can't accept anymore

Things I might never be able to accept my whole life

But little by little Amma try to open up myself

To do Things that other do in general

But with moderation

cause those things could destroy me too

But i should not stop to fight

Never

I got to Fight 

Alone 

or with brother in arms...

Cause this is war

Yes this is war !

Exhaustion

Today I was supposed to train

to train my body soul and mind

but my body soul and mind were just

Exhausted...

I work tonight 

SO I decided Today I would rest before work

and see tomorrow

I do feel guilty

but am more exhausted than guilty

that is for sure

let's rest

FOr that war I need energy

that I dont have today

every soldier need  some rest

right ?

today is confusing for no reason...

well see tomorrow

Weapons...

In all the fights I have fought during my life,

I used plenty of differents weapons.

Destructive ones , dangerous ones , but most of them were double edged blades , when I was achieving something , I was cutting myself in the way .

Those weapons...

On the moment I can only think of some of them.

Lies, hatred, regrets, sadness, anger, despair...

List non exhaustiv.

I earned things with those, good things , sometimes even the best if I may say...

And lost them as fast as they had come ... even the best if I may say.

It leads me nowhere, just to more mess and less peace in my life and about myself.

All those bad energies I used ... led me to those bad energies again and again... going in circles.

On... and on.

So amma try something else... a new weapon.

Less destructive , if it works maybe  it'll take more time to be as effective as the others were , but maybe just maybe , I won't get cut in the way.

Maybe just maybe I won't lose the things I earned , at least not that easily .

I used all those negativ energies before and that led me only to negativity.

Let's try to be more positiv in everything I do , We'll see where that leads.

Yes this is WAR!

Monster of mine

Every morning when i wake up on the battlefield

I see him , that monster , hairy , tall , white skinned , missing hair on his head , pretty weird looking to me.
He scares me, cause he reminds me of me , cause he is me .


BUT AT THE SAME TIME.
He always been here , he wakes up with me, go to bed with me, listen to me even when i don't speak and he understands me, he might be the only thing i could ever take for granted.

So am learning to love him...
That monster of mine.
There is still work, but am on a better way than I was , that is for sure .

Fake rest

Am resting
This week I been realizing I have been doing things things wrong
Using my sadness and anger led me to MESSINESS
And i need calm and order to win that war
So am resting yes , but am more than that learning to do things right...
To take my time , to not rush , TO BE ON TIME ... and to do things right.
I got until next monday to take a convenient sleep rythm... i will get that rythm .
To do things calmly , to not panic , to not overthink , to be smart.
SO am enjoying the time of rest but i am at the sam etime getting ready ...
For war .

Yup, this is WAR !

War needs calm and order...

Been dealing with sleep problems lately...
Result , I go to sleep at Crazy hours , and get up at insane hours , just the time for me to make myself something to eat and to go to work .

...
Surely won't be like that that things will change in this war .

"Apply the change you want to see in your life to yourself"
Calm and order , If everything is so messy it is my fault too , even highly my fault .

Take the time to do things i got to do , do them before anything else , and the rest of the time I'll dedicate it to myself .

Low rank soldier I am , But If I learned to become one , I can UPGRADE MYSELF .
Indeed I can , with calm and order .

I received a letter from my sister .
"Take care of your body if you want your soul to live in it "

Yup , This is WAR !

Soldier

In this war called life
I've been for real long a victim,
Dodging the bullets i could,
taking the majority of them in the center of my heart,
suffering under the explosions of bomb,
crying at night cause of the pain,
staying numb and too afraid to do anything in that life
In that life called war...
I ve been a civil ...
I don't know how exactly I survived all that time
actually I do !
I am smart, I think I always been , though people think am a brainless brute I am smart .

No school smart , school was prison to me , street smart , streets teached me everything I know ...
Today the good ... Before the bad .

When i wasn't a soldier yet , when i didn't have the strenght i have today , I used my brain , I lied , I stole , I betrayed , I cheated , I did all that in order to survive...
But the day that life offered me a moment of peace...a fragile place where I could rest  I thought that I would keep it that way .
As adam and eve lost paradise, I lost mine , By my own fault , by lying to myself , by not having built myself strong enough to fight honestly for my paradise ...

I refused it , that's when I became a soldier , when I choosed to not be a victim of that war anymore to retrieve my paradise by hard work and honesty , And i never gave up , until the day that paradise told me . NO! MY DOORS ARENT OPEN TO YOU ANYMORE!

Then I thought war ended , as I said , I was in that area , no more bullets in my guns , no more grenades on my belt , Losing my blood , but crawling on the ground with only strenght the promise I made to myself , To never give up...

With that promise I became a soldier .

So no I ain't no first rank soldier yet , I still take majority of the bullets , right in the center of my heart, I still get burn by the bombs that get dropped in that war , But i don't need to lie to myself , neither to others , don't need to cheat , play , and betraye ,to survive , I survive with my one self , I survive with and for my ideals, I don't stay numb as long as I used to, and as long as God wants me alive , I'll need to get up and fight , If I get up , if I fight , It's not over , I might be still a Low rank soldier , risible to the eyes of people , but I need to learn to respect their point of view , cause they live their own war too , and still not let their bombs touch me , easier to say than to do , but am learning.

Still revenge, but anger and hatred won't help , Let's try to be smart , It's been my first weapon , Double edged weapon actually , let's use it and not cut myself this time .

To never give up.
To always get up though I fall on the battlefield in pain .
To hear but not always to listen.
To never give up.

One day , Revenge.
This is ... war.
I lost a battle , I'll win that war .
Cause am a soldier , nope , The soldier in that war .
My war , my life .

Waking up

Waking up on the battlefield
Haven't slept that bad, neither that good .
A new week of fighting has begun , but I am not that strong in this beginning .
Thousands of questions that do not have any answers , and am bleeding from recent fightings .

Still got to fight for tomorrow though , can't be lazy even though I D LOVE TO ...
But that would just make them right , those ones , the ones that think am crazy , that am a mess , the other soldiers , fighting their own wars , in the eyes of other you are never good , and it's easier to not care about the rest when you cross their path in the streets , but when you live with them...

To be a good soldier , you'll never be good enough in the eyes of others , cause they live their own war , still , I would lie if I said it doesn't affect me.

But maybe it is them that are not good enough in my eyes...

Streets

Tonight alone in the streets
Coming back from some stranger house
I felt a little at ease
A lil bit like if it was my own house
They been raising me , teaching me all that i know
They saw me crying , laughing and so much more
I slept outside way much more than once
when i was running from my family
they were there to welcome me
Paris
Amsterdam
london
New york
Fes
and tonight is the first night that i can say i took a taste of Montreal's street
For the first time i feel like they spoke to me
or maybe I couldn't hear them before
Does the sound of the bombs dropped in the last war made me deaf ?
I did felt a little at home
Those streets
Hard rocks streets
i spent my life in them
I never felt as free as when i was walking down these streets without nowhere to go
To fall asleep in a bus
waking up some hours later in a bus depot
Being in the middle of nowhere looking at the highway from a bridge
I still remember that feeling
That was war already
I just was a victim of it i wasnt part of it
I wasnt a soldier...
The soldier is hurt , is doubting , but he got to fight for tomorrow , today is sad and heavy , maybe he should fight differently , and speak more often to those streets...

And then... nothingness

I did...
I thought I found some fire to lighten up my soul.
But as soon as I have begin to fight for it...
That fire went away , and here i am alone in the dark immensity of the battlefield...
Its cold, so cold that i can't sleep , even though am exhausted , i just dont sleep .
Hoping , waiting, for a sign , for something , anything really...
Even death would be welcome actually .
But i know my time hasn't come , not yet .
I actually had a sign , a call , from an old friend , just brought me back memories . good memories . but that still hurts me....

Fire , you come and give me hope , then you leave me as soon as am fighting for you , are you playing with me ?
Fire...
Fire...

Fire

I searched in the chaos and immensity some tools of fortune to light up a fire once again , i searched under the scraps and the dead bodies left by that past war.
I searched a fire to make me wants to do things , to make me believe in something , anything, but until now i couldnt find it.
As soon as i tried to raise up, to stand up on my leg , as soon i could feel the taste of blood in my mouth , as soon i could feel my knees skinned by the hard grounds of reality .

But i found it , i found a goal to hold on to.
Revenge...
Amma work and get my revenge on life , on everything that happened , on all the people that once looked down on me, and on those that still do today .

I ll use every obstacles to fuel that fire , every little things hurting , to fuel that fire , i ll built little by little , it ll take years but one day i ll get my revenge , to never forget ...

Ill get my revenge.

This is war

Some times ago , I went to war, I trained myself, earned my weapons, became stronger , went on the battlefield with my heart ready to fight until death...

And then I lost .

Around me were lying dead bodies , people screaming in tears, people desillusioned cause they all thought that this war meant salvation , all of those people had my face, all of those people had my body , all of those people were me.

I lie in that desolation since then , and nobody can even imagine in the state that I am, nobody could even care...

I see those people looking down on me, thinking am crazy cause i dont live by their rules, neither their habits, and god knows i looked down on myself for so long.

But no not this time , I ll put the efforts , I ll Train again , today i decided , one day I ll have revenge , one day I ll be strong enough to be happy in my life , I earned love for myself and amma use that love to build , and go to war again , but this time it ll be just for me .

Revenge chapter 1